she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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