Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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