Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
