i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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