dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
