When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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