I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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