Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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