well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
