He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
