If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
