WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize