I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
