You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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