So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
