I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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