you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
