There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
