my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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