The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
