Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
