This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
