I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
