What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
