Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm always down for nudity.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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