Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize