If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
