I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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