I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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