So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Barsexuality is the new black.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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