right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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