I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize