Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
