i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
