Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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