There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
