Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
