Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
BRING THE BAGELS
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
