really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize