dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
