I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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