God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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