I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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