I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize