I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't turn off my feet"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
