so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
