she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
