I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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