I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
