I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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