I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
