i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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