a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
you never un-have a 4some
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
