The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
