girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
