I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
