i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
