Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
